Midlife Musings

I am fifty years old and about to embark on the first real adventure of my life. This voyage by sailboat across the Pacific Ocean truly brings me face to face with the unknown, also with my truest self. My husband gifted me with a massage yesterday and when Brian (he with the gift of healing in his hands) asked me what I hoped to gain on this journey, I sighed heavily, remembering the cross words that had just passed from me to my sons. The ache of the memory cleared my vision, and I answered, "When you are sailing, the superficial details of life are left in your wake, the sun sets on the horizon and you come face to face with yourself. When that mirror is held before my gaze, I want to improve the view, get a reflection I can live with."
This sailing adventure began 24 years ago at my friend Catherine's wedding. From my very first gaze, when he was playing with a child on the church steps, until the moment of our introduction, he captivated and intrigued me. When we began the simple conversation born of a desire to know another, I discovered that he either told a totally convincing lie filled with countless exciting details or truly he had circumnavigated the globe by sail boat. As I kept firing definitive piercing questions about his journey he continued to sail beyond me with a truth I could only be in awe of. As we continued our courtship, I knew that this man would both become my husband and one day return to his first love, the sea. When I spoke my wedding vows, hidden between the carefully written lines was my vow to be my captain's first mate. My watch as first mate begins tomorrow, 5:16 am, on a strongly ebbing tide of 5.5 knots.
Our vessel Haapsalu will sail beneath the Golden Gate Bridge on that ebbing tide. She has been ours since October and during these past nine months, we have scoured her from stem to stern and keel bottom to masthead windvane. She has undergone a major transformation, yet we have not sailed her with the kind of frequency we dreamt about. Then again, whenever we do sail, we are so completely steady and safe on whatever tack we find ourselves, we feel good to go. Haapsalu is a fine sailing boat and our shake-down cruise to Drakes Bay informed us that our vessel is fittingly named and deserving of her strong heritage. Haapsalu, Estonia, is the town where my husband's father spent his youthful summers sailing on the Baltic Sea. Eventually my father-in-law utilized his seafaring knowledge to sail his way to freedom from the Communist occupation of the Soviet Union, first to Sweden and then to the USA. His family however was not so blessed, and thus became the concept that sailing is a means to becoming a free human being. Paul Saarman is as free of the human constraints of being born into a physical body as anyone I have ever met. He joins us on this voyage and we dedicate our ability to say "YES!" to such an adventure to him.
Our crew of consists of Paul Saarman, our elder and wiser, my husband Jeff Saarman, the admiral I admire, our two sons, David and Giovanni, Jeff's brother, Steve, together with his two children, Stephanie and Nicolas, as well as our good friend and the pre-school teacher of our two sons, Lee Wood. Each of us has chosen this voyage and we are in the final frantic steps of preparation. The closer we get to embarking the less I am enjoying that "view" of myself, although I had become decently enthralled with the reflection during earlier phases of preparation.
It MUST be time to cast off the lines and set sail. But first I must give a kiss to Chuck who sold us this fine vessel, Ari who makes her buzz with the information a modern sailor is blessed to be able to utilize, and Jason, man of all our dreams, who fine-tuned our rig for the best of all possible sails. We also awknowledge Smitty who made Haapsalu stand out in paint, Richard, our guy Friday, engine Chet, David of the striped awning and ceiling carpet, refrigerator Carl as well as info-tec Karl, electric Ryan, which way is North Hal, wind in your Monitor Tim, Clay of all trades, Metal John, Chris and everyone else at Svendson's, all the folks at McGrath Yachts, and Frank.

Teresa